I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
