i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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