one might say we're banned from that church
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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