A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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