Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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