so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
