overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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