I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
