who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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