oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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