i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
