before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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