i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
