Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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