i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
