You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
