If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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