Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
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