Soap is not a condiment
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
