My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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