What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Randomize
