I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
