mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
