she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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