My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
