I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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