i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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