Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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