I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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