Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
