I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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