Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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