Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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