At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
