WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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