Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
