just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
