You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Randomize
