I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
