The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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