I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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