Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
