We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
