Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
