i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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