I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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