I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
