i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
