I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
