just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
