okay pat passed out under dana's car
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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