I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
